Busier than you might think

Although the tourist numbers are not at the levels of a few years ago, even a cursory wander around the fleshpots of Fun Town gives a clear indication that there are visitors here in reasonable strength. Yes, the start of the annual Cobra Gold military exercises has led to a lot of young, short-haired, beefy looking men with north American accents wandering about the lower reaches of Beach Road and into Walking Street. That's helped with filling the streets, and the families of Russian-speaking types have also made it look busy. Expats are out and about in good numbers as well. For example, I happened to have dinner at the well-known Seaside 2 noshery in Soi Chaiyapoon on a recent Wednesday night and counted 34 customers at 7:00PM. The Thai owner must be wondering what all the talk about economic downturns and recession is all about. Basically, the good places are doing well; the rubbish is suffering because the customers that are here are perhaps more savvy than many past visitors. The strong baht to the UK pound and Aussie dollar, for example, makes Pattaya far more expensive than it was just a couple of years back. Then again, it's still relatively cheaper here for the great attraction (the ladies who specialise in nocturnal activities of a mattress dancing nature) than most other places in the world.

The bowl is finally empty

It has struggled for some time, probably since the resurrection of Walking Street and the concomitant demise of the adjacent Pattayaland Soi 2. While the move to Soi Post Office was sensible, the Spicy Girls ogling den was unable to restore its fortunes. It finally closed its doors at the end of January. It has become the first closure of the year. Even so, there are still 25 dens of the chrome pole located away from Walking Street, while the main centre itself now boasts an all-time high of 52. No wonder everybody is wondering where to find dancers.

The bubble has yet to burst

The Baby Dolls ogling den (Soi 15, off Walking Street) continues to do well, with a strong line-up of dancing maidens, plenty of show action involving water, soap, noisy foam rubber implements, and a distinct lack of covering apparel. Baby Dolls' great advantage over an equally prominent and popular place, such as What's Up (directly across the soi), is the happy hour where most thirst-quenchers are only 45 baht. That gets the regular expats through the front door, and with them, their friends visiting from overseas. Management seem to sensibly be operating under the motto of ‘if it ain't broke, don't fix it'.

More like a vacant lot

The Paradise ogling den (Soi Buakhow) is in a strange location in the sense that it is easy to miss for anybody in a vehicle (be it four wheels or two), and parking is not readily available. Like many off-Walking Street dens, it struggles for dancers and on a recent visit there were just four. The most attractive of them told me the night prior to my visit there had been only three. The place is nice enough, the music acceptable, there's a happy hour from 7:00 to 9:00PM and draught amber is 55 baht all night. How they make any money is anybody's guess.

Almost good, clean, fun

The Sweethearts ogling den (Walking Street) is one of the quiet achievers on the main thoroughfare. It eschews the risque shows: no showering girls, no rubber utensils and plastic items being given a workout in unusual fashion, no ladies performing the arcane rituals of tongue licking those parts of the female anatomy not normally exposed in public, and the list goes on. In so many ways it is reminiscent of the stock-standard style of house of the chrome pole: reasonably priced libations of all descriptions (not just draught amber), dependable, listenable music, and enough ladies doing the chrome pole shuffle to at least keep a punter interested in sitting down and having a couple of thirst-quenchers. On Sunday night 9 February, the popular and well-named string-bean manager Chalkie, with the pallor of a man who spends his days in bed and nights under UV light, celebrated his birthday and the party was well attended. I get the strong impression there's a good working relationship between the owner and his manager, both foreigners, and this gives the den a solid foundation from which to build a consistent customer base.

Plodding along sedately

Down in Soi Yamato (13/1 for visitors), the Las Vegas den of the chrome pole is among the clutch of early openers scattered around that general area, kicking off at midday each day. Others in this group are Tahitian Queen (Beach Road, near Soi 13), Far East Rock, Club Nevada, and Hot & Cold (all in Soi Post Office). The music in Las Vegas is of the 60s, 70s and 80s variety and there are about 10-15 dancers of varying ages, shapes, and sizes employed to empty wallets. Friendly enough and not stupidly priced for drinks, it's worthy of at least a quick drink if you are in the area.

No need for a colourful towel

If exposed minge under a skirt is your thing and craning your neck to look up at the nearest table dancer could be classed as part of an after-gym workout, then the Beach Club ogling den (Soi 15, off Walking Street) is worth a visit. Owned within the same group as the Happy and Peppermint chrome pole emporiums, Beach Club operates the same happy hour policy with all standard libations just 50 baht between 8:00 and 9:30PM and Tiger amber draught just 55 baht all night. As with Happy and Peppermint, Beach Club has plenty of attractive ladies of wallet-emptying intent and is usually busy for most of the night. The only downside appears to be the need to be a regular, or a person who is new to the scene and has the look of a deer in the headlights, if you expect much in the way of dancer interaction. Then again, the same accusation can be levelled at so many places here in Fun Town, and not just on Walking Street.

How long will this one survive?

Down in gender-confused Pattayaland Soi 1, the relatively new Betty Boum ogling den, the completely renovated site of the former Spicy Girls house of the dancing damsel, must surely be owned and operated by a person or persons with delusions of grandeur. And I mean ‘delusions' not ‘illusions'. There is no happy hour, so immediately the chances of attracting impecunious expats through the portals have been removed. That wouldn't be a closing offence if the standard and numbers of chrome pole shufflers was high. It isn't. When I quietly asked a serving wench (a woman who looked like a danger to shipping) the price of a standard liver waster and was told “120 baht” I laughed. She immediately riposted with, ‘this is a go-go bar, not a beer bar.” I then said to her the prices for similar libations in a number of Walking Street places were, at least during happy hour, far cheaper than Betty Boum. The look on her face told me she didn't believe a word I said. The reality is simple: why would I, or any sensible person, want to cough up 120 baht for a glass of vodka (for example) in a den with less than 15 dancers when, for example, I can wander into the Happy chrome pole palace (Walking Street) and shell out 50 baht for a similar thirst-quencher and look at a veritable chorus line of pulchritude? Perhaps that's why there was just one customer in Betty Boum when I had a look.

This is a survivor

It's a long way past its best years, but the Classroom ogling den (Pattayaland Soi 2) is still sufficiently busy to make it a profitable enterprise. I hadn't been inside for a long time, mainly because it's disappointing to revisit places that used to be among the best in town and have now slipped down the slippery chrome pole to the point where they have all the appeal of a geriatric retirement village. Thankfully, Classroom was far better than I thought it was going to be. Not great, by any stretch of the imagination, but a place that had a number of young ladies of dubious virtue who were quite easy on the eye. Some of the waiting staff possess all the personality of a gargoyle, but many of the wallet emptiers at least made eye contact (they obviously haven't seen me around before and don't know that talking to me is a complete waste of time, at least as far as getting money out of me is concerned). Libations at 110 baht or more are not cheap, the best deal being draught amber at a hefty 90 baht. The den opens in the afternoon and has a happy hour until 6:00PM.

Piece of (Aging) Pith

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eyeglasses? A: On their foreheads.

Want the Kind of Thailand Vacation that Plasters a Huge Smile on Your Face? Of course you do! (Everyone does...) If you weren't able to say, "Best thing I ever did!" about your last holiday, make sure you can say it about your next one For Lusty, Sweaty, Eager-To-Please Girlfriend Sex... Just Follow the Thai Mantra: Give Thai girls what they fundamentally want and need, and you will have a tremendous time in Thailand To any guys considering a visit to this wonderful country: Stop procrastinating and just do it. Thailand is a life changing experience. This is a If-You-Want-To-Get-The-Most-Out-Of-Thailand site. Come inside. You won't be disappointed. Click Here For An Eye-Opening Glimpse... This news is presented courtesy of Duncan Stearn (nightmarch@hotmail.com) A keen observer of the social scene, he is also the author of Pattaya 'Patpong on Steroids' (available at DCO Thai - Books and More) No reproduction without specific reference to: copyright@uis.eu.com